A Disastrous Displacement
by sunbune
Summary: Both D and Lefty get to see the world from a different point of view... each others! A humorous and mildly mischievous look at what might happen if they switched places.
1. You're going to need therapy

A/N: hiya! I'm writing this to cheer myself up now that "Portrait" is over. WARNING: _that _story was long and sober; this one will be short and inane!

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A Disastrous Displacement

Chapter 1: You're going to need therapy

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"Heh heh heh," Lefty chuckled wickedly as D realized that he was trapped. "If only the fangirls could see you now."

"Hush," D muttered crossly. It had been several hundred years since he'd last woken up to find his wrists and ankles secured to the four posts of the bed he decided to sleep in the night before. _That_ time, he'd been tied down with good old fashioned chains and leather straps. This time, the situation looked a little more severe. A nasty assortment of electrical wires and surgical tubing seemed to have been fastened to his limbs, somehow holding him in place—but there were iron cuffs on his wrists and ankles too. Obviously whoever did this to him wasn't taking any chances. At least they hadn't deprived him of his clothes this time.  
"I know what you're thinking," Lefty said energetically. "You're thinking about the last time this happened to you, and you're glad that _this_ time you didn't wake up wearing nothing but a black lace--"

"Shut up," D said through clenched teeth. But it was true that he was very glad to not be wearing anything made of black lace. The voice from his hand made a snuffling, laughing noise.

"It's okay that you were traumatized," it said, its tone half mocking and half sincere. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I was NOT traumatized," D muttered threateningly. His hand clucked disapprovingly.

"Someday, you'll have to get over your denial."

"I am NOT in denial." D's voice might have actually been a little louder than normal.

"Someday, you're going to need therapy," Lefty predicted.

Across the room, the door handle clicked, and D turned his head. A vampire stepped through the door. Unlike most vampires, this one didn't possess much in the way of elvish beauty or gracefulness-- instead, he was short and cross-eyed with painfully poor posture. D winced as the ugly, evil little vampire smiled at him—usually, having nice big healthy fangs in your mouth meant that all your other teeth were more or less in their proper positions…but such was not the case with this hideous hunchbacked creature.

"You," D said simply, his voice far too calm for someone who was, by all indications, about to be the victim of an experiment from a 1960s' mad scientist movie. "You're the vampire I've been sent to kill."

The aesthetically deficient vampire nodded. "Indeed!" he said in a wheezing, squeaking voice. "But I am also…" he paused for an overlong moment of artificially induced suspense "… the one who sent you!"

"Sent me what?" D asked blankly.

"To kill me! I sent you to kill me!" the vampire clarified hastily.

"No you didn't," D said. "The mayor of Morsburg sent me to kill you."

The vampire snorted, which _might_ have been its ugly method of laughing. "Tall, handsome fellow, right? That was me."

"No, he was human," D informed his captor, dead-certainty in his voice.

The vampire launched into another round of wheezy snorts, which was _definitely_ its ugly method of laughing this time. "Oh, his _body _was human," the vampire said smugly. "But I was the one upstairs, turning the lights on, running the show, steering the bus, and boinking his lovely wife! For you see…"

D found himself enduring another unnecessary dramatic pause.

"…I have mastered the science of body-switching!" the ugly vampire grinned wildly; evidently he was extraordinarily proud of himself for that particular achievement.

D almost sighed. He was well aware that in this sort of predicament, the solution to the villain's demise would be revealed if he could only keep the creature talking. All the desperate lonely insane criminal mastermind vampires loved to talk about their problems, once properly prompted. "So you switched bodies with a human" D said flatly, completely unimpressed. "…How did you do that?"

To D's relief, the lame question was enough of a prompt. The vampire's blood-colored eyes (which were permanently focused on his own misshapen nose) gleamed with fervor. "It's taken me five thousand years to perfect my machine," he wheezed, and then his ugly voice acquired a tone of salesman-esque urgency. "I can take any two creatures and make their spirits trade bodies- while keeping both of their consciousnesses, and both of their bodies, completely intact!"

D couldn't really think of anything to say to that. Fortunately, the ugly vampire prevented an awkward silence from developing by rushing to explain his evil plan. "I've devoted my existence to trying out different bodies, looking for the very best one," he said. "I've been a delicate maiden, a monstrous shark, even a professional wrestler! But with every experiment, something was lacking. Human bodies are the most versatile and exciting, but they weaken and wither so quickly, and are easily killed. Mutant bodies are the best physically, but one must consider the lifestyle associated with the form, which makes a mutant body far less desirable than a human one. But now, at long last, I've found the ultimate physical form, the one that I will make my own… for eternity!" The vampire grinned hideously with its crooked twisted teeth.

"You're planning… to switch bodies… with me?" D asked slowly.

"_Precisely!_" the vampire squeaked. He seemed genuinely delighted that D understood his evil intentions. "I will switch bodies with you, and the instant the transfer of consciousness is complete, your body –which will then be MY body, of course—will be instantly released from those cuffs, and then _I_, the vampire hunter, will slay _you_, the vampire—and then I shall ride out into the sunlight, and live among humans or vampires however I please!"

"It's not that easy," D warned him softly.

"I beg to differ!" the ugly creature protested. "Being a dhampir is _far_ easier than being either a vampire or a human. You _obviously_ don't appreciate how good fate has been to you. If you ever had to walk a mile in the shoes of those less fortunate than you, I bet you wouldn't be so dissatisfied with your heritage. But you'll never get the chance to do that, because as soon as I pull this lever, you'll be _me_, and then… you'll be dead!"

The ugly vampire snorted and wheezed in a way that was more disgusting than maniacal, but everyone got the point. There was, naturally, a lever sticking out of the wall. Before D had time to abandon enough of his dignity to beg the creature to reconsider, the vampire had wrapped his ugly, evil little fingers around the lever and yanked it down.

There was a bright flash, a sharp pain, and with wide-open eyes D watched the ugly vampire's body turn to ash and disintegrate. For an instant after that, D's vision was clouded by a white haze, but then the haze cleared, and D found himself staring up at the ceiling at a somewhat different angle than he had been a moment ago.

"Where am I?" Lefty groaned loudly. D blinked. The gruff voice had definitely come from somewhere off to his _right_… "D? Hey man, are you alright?"

"I'm not sure," D replied quietly. "Something obviously went wrong with his machine."

"You can say that again," Lefty grumbled. "I can't remember the last time I felt this messed-up."

"I don't think I can move," D said. "I can't feel my feet."

"Don't worry, they're still there," Lefty said. "I can feel 'em just fine. Actually, I can feel them better than usual… _that's_ weird… Oh, this is weird, man. It's like I'm…" Lefty's voice trailed off, and D heard a couple of rustling sounds, followed by a soft gasp.

"What is it?" D asked, concerned.

"Oh My God," Lefty said abruptly.

"What?" D asked again. Suddenly the world spun. D felt himself being lifted and twisted around, but everything was out of whack- he knew he only traveled a short distance, but it felt like he'd suddenly been thrown several body-lengths through the air. And then something truly horrifying came into focus- he found himself staring up into his own face, which was looming over him, peering down at him- and worst of all, there was a ridiculous smile stretched across it, showing all his teeth.

"Well, well, well!" D watched his own mouth say. Using Lefty's voice. "What do you know about that! Yikes, is my face really that wrinkly?"

"Wh…what do you…" D said, adding a tiny bit of worry to the tiny bit of confusion in his tone.

"You mean you don't get it? The ugly bastard's machine _worked_, don't you see? But instead of switching you and him… it toasted him, and switched me and you!"

With a terrible feeling that was probably what it felt like to have liquid oxygen poured down your throat to instantly freeze and shatter all your innards, D realized it was true. His consciousness was now located in his own left hand, while the consciousness that previously resided there…

"Wuagh huah hah!" Lefty laughed. "This is better than anything I've ever wished for!"

D grimaced, an action for which his new face was particularly well-suited. "Stop that…" he said quietly, feeling ill.

"huh? Stop what?"

"Smiling," D said. "My… my fangs are showing."

"These are _my _fangs now, buster, and I'll show 'em whenever I want!"

Suddenly D realized that his current situation was very possibly worse than his worst nightmare. "So what do we do now?" he asked, keeping his voice calm and even.

"Oh man, the possibilities!" Lefty said feverishly. "Naturally, we're gonna do everything that _you _never let yourself do!"

D scowled. "If you give in to the thirst, I'll kill you," he said darkly.

"Jeez!" Lefty said, sounding hurt. "Is that really the only thing on your mind? You know I don't like vampires any more than you do, and I have no intention of turning us into one. I was thinking more along the lines of running away from danger, avoiding pain and peril, basking in the glow of your glory, taking long luxurious baths, and of course, when it comes to the ladies--"

"It's not a good idea," D said, his tone almost harsh.

"No, it's a _great_ idea," Lefty said with another wicked grin. "And I'll prove it to you."

"You don't understand," D said. His own cool sea-grey eyes narrowed, gazing down at him. D never imagined he could be chilled by his own expression.

"D," Lefty said almost solemnly. "_You _don't understand… how long I've wanted to do this to you--" And with that, he clenched his hand into a fist, banishing D's consciousness into the netherspace.

The last thing D saw before darkness engulfed him was a final flash of that dreadful smile…

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A/N: Poor D! This is just too much fun. And there's so much more to come, buwahahahaaa! There's definitely a little influence from Patricia deLioncourt's "How to be a Dhampir", and maybe a bit more from Kitt Yuehana's amazing VHD fanfiction… if you haven't read those stories yet, go check them out right away!


	2. Stay out of my closet

Chapter 2: Stay out of my closet

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D found himself sinking backwards… into another dimension. Somehow, he was floating in a vast, empty space… but as he gradually got used to it, he realized that it wasn't 'empty' at all. Like ribbons of dye released into a flowing brook, wisps of his own memories slipped by all around him. Thousands of images, sounds, experiences—a grievous wound, a kind word, an icy fortress, an arid wasteland-- D felt vaguely dizzy as he drifted through thousands of years of his own history. He forced himself to focus, and soon became aware of actual _objects_ floating past him, not just memories.

What was _this? _D managed to latch his attention onto a small bit of metal —it was the tiny piece of clockwork that had been 'lost' from that one horse that mysteriously 'broke down' the time D sought shelter at a the home of a kind old farmer who just so happened to have eight beautiful daughters. If D's nether-dimensional spirit had had eyes to narrow, he would have narrowed them then: the horse _had_ been sabotaged, after all!

D released the bit of clockwork from his focus and turned to the next object. It was a matchbook, with an ancient phone number scrawled on it, from a pub in Dover-- What the-- ? Using all his concentration, D latched onto the matchbook and struggled back to the surface of the real world—the surface of his own palm.

"-kee hee hee," he heard Lefty giggle. "That tickles!" D realized he was pressed flat against a wall.

"What happened?" D was forced to ask. "Where are we?"

"Calm down!" Lefty said. "I'm just figuring out how to walk on your –er—_my_ own two feet, that's all. I'm still a little wobbly but I'm getting the hang of it. Oops!"

D winced as he was scraped along the wall, and realized that his body was falling sideways. Even as he crashed to the floor in a heap, Lefty was giggling. He brought his left hand up before his face. "Oh man, I haven't even made it to the door yet, and I'm already having the time of my life. And I see you figured out how to move between the dimensions—kind of fun, isn't it? How come you never told me that it tickles like that when I appear?"

D scowled. "I guess I never noticed," he muttered. "But do you really live in …there? It's a mess."

Lefty rolled his beautiful long-lashed grey-blue eyes. "Sorry," he said sarcastically. "If I'd been expecting company, I would've swept up."

"And what is _this?_" D made a strange face, and managed to spit out the old matchbook. Lefty picked it up with his other hand, and smiled guiltily.

"Oh, yeah!" Lefty said. "I remember now. That girl from that pub in Dover gave you that. What was her name… Susan… Susan-Marie, maybe? Nice-looking gal. You were just going to throw it away—I decided to hang on to it for you."

"For Eleven Thousand years?" D asked incredulously.

Lefty shrugged, which was something that D's body hadn't done in a very long time. "So I'm a packrat," the former parasite confessed. "Kill me why doncha. It's not like I'm ever going to run out of infinite space. "

D scowled once again. "I don't even want to know what other kinds of garbage you've got floating around in there."

"So stay out of my closet, then!" Lefty sounded slightly offended. He turned his hands palm-down to the floor, and pushed himself to his knees. "All right now… I've got to figure out this walking business."

D grunted uncomfortably at the weight of the body above him squashing his face against the floor, but suddenly that weight lifted, and D went lurching through the air once more as Lefty rose to his feet. "There!" Lefty announced proudly. "This isn't so tough!" He managed to walk all the way to the door without stumbling.

By the time he reached the stairs at the end of the hall, he was feeling confident enough to jump down them, skipping two at a time. "Wonder if old Ugly switched bodies with that sweet little granny who let us in last night," Lefty muttered, making his way through the silent, deserted lower floor of the house. "Whoo. This place is still totally creeping me out."

"About that," D said quietly. "Yesterday you said you didn't trust this place. You said it was throwing off your senses." He paused for a moment, and then added in a somewhat defeated-sounding murmur: "I ignored your warnings. I should have listened. I'm sor-"

"Humph! You think my life sucks that much, that you're already having regrets after only ten minutes of it? You are one depressing little puddle of gloom, you know that?" Lefty was standing at the front door now. He wrapped his right hand around the doorknob, but paused a moment before opening it. "Hey, D." He smiled as he felt the face –which had so recently been his own—shifting in his palm.

"…yes?" D's soft voice said a second later.

"Before we go outside… are you sure this building didn't affect your senses at all? Hearing, vision, anything?"

"Nothing," D replied. "To me it all seemed normal."

"And it still seems normal now?"

"I suppose."

"In that case--" Lefty couldn't resist cracking a wide grin. "You are in for a treat." He opened the door and stepped through it, graciously holding up his left hand so that D could get a good look at the world.

The change was gradual- just as the emptiness of the other dimension had slowly revealed its colors and textures- but it was truly amazing. Before long D's mouth was hanging open in shock. Information about his environment was _there_ for his taking- there was too much of it- he wasn't sure how to process it all. Of course his senses as a dhampir were far better than those of any human, and D had always known that Lefty's senses were sharper than his own- but he had never imagined anything like _this_.

Lefty chuckled. "I bet the world is looking pretty psychedelic to you right now," he said sympathetically. "But don't worry, you'll catch on soon. I learned to walk pretty quick, after all."

"But the sounds!" D exclaimed. "I can hear- I can _smell_ everything, too-- it's--"

"Calm down!" Lefty laughed heartily, glad to see D overwhelmed. "Let's go get Spike, ok?"

"…Spike?" D asked.

"Yeah. I just named the horse."

D pushed aside the assault of outside information and collected his thoughts. Where should they go? What could they do? It irked him that being trapped in his own hand forced him to think of himself as a 'they'. Lefty was opening the barn door; 'Spike' was sticking its neck over the low door of the stall, looking intently at its master. It nickered its standard greeting.

"We should head towards the Capitol," D reasoned calmly as Lefty cinched up the saddle. "To find someone who can switch us back."

Awkwardly, Lefty climbed up onto the horse's back. He stood up in the stirrups and sat back down several times, trying to find a comfortable, balanced seat.

"…Do you know how to ride?" D asked quietly, after several silent moments of observation.

"Oh, the _reins_ I know pretty darn well," Lefty said flippantly. "But sitting up here like a… like a… uh…"

"…Horseback rider?" D supplied.

"Oh, that's cute," Lefty commented. "Making smartass remarks already? I'm impressed! You just might be better at doing my job than I am, D! Anyway, it's _sitting_ up here that I've got to figure out. I don't think I'm doing it right."

D sighed faintly. "Keep your back straight, and your weight on the balls of your feet. You hold yourself up with your thighs."

"What! You're telling me I have to use _muscles_ to ride this thing?" Lefty demanded indignantly. "Screw this! First chance I get, I'm buying you a carriage. I'll be riding in style! Actually, screw the carriage! They're way too easy to ambush. Somebody on this miserable planet has got to have the schematics for a Batmobile or something."

"Riding a horse is not a big deal," D tried to explain without losing his patience. "I do it almost every day, so--"

"Oh _Really_, D? I'd no idea! What else do you do everyday, I wonder? Wear a black hat, perhaps? I'm fascinated! Oh, tell me more!"

"…just tap with your heels and let's get out of here," D muttered.

They made it out of the barn.

"Hmm, the Capitol, eh?" Lefty pondered for a moment. "About ten days ride North of here, isn't it?" And he promptly turned the horse south.

"What are you doing?" D demanded.

"Jeez, keep your drawers on," Lefty said. "If we _do_ find some nerd-wad in the Capitol who can help us, I'm guessing it won't be cheap. We just killed the vampire we were sent after, didn't we? I mean, we actually _didn't_, but he's dead, right? Seems to me like the citizens of Morsburg owe us a little money."

"You're going back to the town?" D asked incredulously.

"Yup."

D could tell from the sound of that one syllable that Lefty was smiling again. "We really shouldn't," he warned. "I have a bad feeling about it."

"Well isn't that something! I'm glad you have a bad feeling about it, because as the current owner and operator of this particular personage, I feel it is my duty to outright ignore any misgivings or premonitions of doom expressed by the mysterious entity in my left hand, and also to act contrary to its warnings and advice in all situations of potential danger, to the utmost of my ability, so help me god."

"I don't _always_ ignore you," D grumbled quietly, sounding defeated once again.

They headed south.

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A/N: In the second book, D loses the scent of his quarry in the rain and wakes up Lefty for help. Lefty tells D to keep his drawers on (I must've laughed for an hour at that!) and then tells him exactly where his quarry is.

This little 'cheer-me-up' story has turned into a runaway locomotive in my brain! Drop me a review and let me know what you think of it so far! Thanks!


	3. Tired of teenagers?

Chapter 3: Tired of teenagers?

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As they traveled along, D distracted himself by slipping back and forth between dimensions and exploring the range of his abilities. When he concentrated, he could almost see into Lefty's thoughts- but after several minutes of that exercise everything became painfully garbled, and he was forced to think about something else. He was dimly aware of the existence of the rest of his body, but he couldn't clearly 'feel' the rein in his right hand, or the stirrups under his feet, or anything like that. He could, however, look at a tree and know how many rings were in its trunk. He could catch the scent of a bird aloft and know its altitude and airspeed, what sort of trees it had perched in lately, and even whether it was male or female. He could determine distances and densities and just about any measurable characteristic. He merely directed his focus, and suddenly he _knew_. 

There was one thing, however, that he _didn't_ know, and couldn't figure out. It was a very faint _smell_, just a trace really, but it simply wouldn't go away.

It was actually vaguely pleasant, but not knowing what caused it was beginning to bother him. He was about to break down and ask Lefty about it when a load groan interrupted his train of thought.

"Uhhg! That's it, I've had enough! I'm walking the rest of the way."

Lefty stopped the horse, and clumsily swung his leg over the saddle to climb down, getting his foot caught in the stirrup. Muttering all sorts of impolite things about saddles and stirrups, he finally shook his foot free and made it to the ground.

"What?" D asked, puzzled. "Why?"

Lefty turned his palm over to glare down at D. "If you _must_ know, my back's killing me and my ass is so sore I don't think I'll sit down again for a week!" Lefty exclaimed, obviously disgruntled.

"It hasn't even been two hours," D noted. "If your back hurts it's because you were slouching. If you sat up properly, like my body is _used_ to doing, then you'd be fine."

"Riding along like this is not only uncomfortable, it's _boring_," Lefty complained. "If I was myself right now I'd be snuggled up in the other dimension watching reruns."

"Reruns?" D asked.

"You mean you haven't found your way to my living room yet? Jeez. The remote should be on the coffee table; you can watch whatever you want."

"Remote? …You mean you have… a television in there?"

"Yeah, is that so weird? What, you think I just float around in your memories all the time? Gets depressing. So I watch a little TV. But anyway, what on earth do _you_ do, to avoid dying of boredom hour after hour riding this stupid horse?"

"I… I just don't think about it, I suppose," D replied quietly.

Lefty rolled his eyes and groaned again. "How much farther is it to the town, anyway?"

"An hour's ride," D informed him.

"Fine! I'll try sitting in the damn saddle _your_ way." He climbed back up into the seat. "You'd think somebody would go to the trouble of inventing a saddle with some kind of _back_ on it," he muttered. "Something with some lumbar support… something like a recliner, yeah, with cupholders and maybe a little fridge in one of the armrests…"

"…you want a reclining saddle with armrests," D repeated, dumbfounded.

"Wouldn't you?"

"No."

"Well, you're a masochist." Lefty finally figured out how to settle his weight on his feet in the stirrups, and sat up with his back straight. "Oh, what do you know. This does feel right after all."

D only just barely managed not to say 'I told you so.' The horse began walking again at a smooth, efficient pace. Realizing that at any minute the reins would settle across his face, D decided to retreat into the other dimension to look for that television.

"Hey hey hey!" Lefty said urgently. "Where you going?"

"Somewhere quiet," D muttered.

"Come on, D, don't be that way! Stay here and keep me company for a while."

"What?"

"You heard me. I told you I'm bored out of my mind already, and it's kind of lonely out here."

D completely missed the sincerity in Lefty's voice and narrowed his eyes beady black eyes. "What were you hoping for, steady traffic between a dilapidated town and that vampire's lair?" he asked coldly.

"No, just some conversation." It was a quick retort, but sounded slightly hurt all the same. D pondered that for a moment, recalling Lefty's previous statement: _It's kind of lonely out here._ Ever since switching places with Lefty, D realized that he had been constantly aware of the being he was attached to. Even in the other dimension, he still knew that Lefty was there, through the white-noise hum of thoughts and actions taking place in the real world. But when he'd been in his own body and the parasite disappeared, he had ceased to be aware of its existence entirely. It went away, leaving him alone-- meaning that when D slipped into the other dimension now, Lefty was all alone… for the first time in a very, very long time.

"All right," D said after a moment. "What do you want to talk about?"

"The town! We should have some kind of plan. I don't want us to get chased off by a pitch-fork waving mob."

"That hasn't happened in a while," D commented.

"Yeah, they were waving laser rifles last time. The point is, well, I'm starting to feel a little nervous. I can't remember the last time I talked to any, uh, non-immortal people, so it'll probably be awkward. Do you think it'd be better if _you _talked to them? You're the one with the soothing voice after all."

"…you're planning to let _me_ talk to them? From here?" D asked. Lefty looked down at him for a few seconds, and something like disappointment flickered in his eyes. The people on the frontier had seen plenty of freakish creatures, but a talking face in a dhampir's palm really _was_ pushing the limit.

"Yeah I guess that probably won't work," he said dejectedly, turning his eyes away.

D sighed softly. "I don't think you'll have a problem talking to them," he said at length. "…Your personality has always been… a lot closer to human than mine."

"Huh… for some reason that almost sounded like a compliment! Thanks, D." Lefty beamed at him, but suddenly his eyebrows flinched. Did he actually look… embarrassed? D hadn't known his face was capable of so many expressions. "That reminds me," Lefty said anxiously. "When we get to the town, I'm gonna have to be 'D', right? I'm gonna have to tell people that I'm you."

"…that much should be obvious."

"Um, right, right, of course. So is there anything I need to know, you know, about being _you_, before I go and totally ruin your reputation?"

D frowned. "If you're so nervous about interacting with people, perhaps we should turn around, and head for the Capitol."

"Nuh-uh, buster. I'm gonna make the most of this situation, and get this poor beautiful body of ours some much-needed action!"

"…" D said to express his well-subdued horrified disgust. At last he murmured: "…you really shouldn't."

"Give me a break, D! It's been four hundred years since you even made eye contact with a girl who wasn't possessed or entranced or zombie-ized!"

For a long moment D didn't reply. "…I know I won't be able to stop you," he said at last in a very low, reluctant voice. "But please… just… no teenagers."

Lefty laughed so loud it began to frighten the horse. "Tired of teenagers, are you? Well aren't you the picky one! I guess it _can _get a bit messy when they fall for you. Fragile girlish emotions and hot young bl- _cough_ er, uh- emotions and all that. Yeah, I guess I can see why, uh, more 'adult' ladies might be better-"

"…no married or betrothed women either."

"Aw, why not? The scandal's half the fun!"

"Please." The wrinkled little face had probably never worn such a grim, heartbroken expression.

Lefty closed his eyes. "You know you really depress me when you use that tone of voice," he muttered gruffly, and opened his eyes again, looking out eagerly at the terrain in front of the horse. "All right, get lost. Thanks for the conversation, but scram. I've got plenty to think about now. I just might manage not to die of boredom before we get there."

Without a word, D sank back into the other dimension.

"eh heh heh," Lefty chuckled to himself. "_Ahem_… I am the greatest, deadliest Hunter of all," he rehearsed aloud. "_I _am the legendary, mysterious son of the Vampire King. _I_ am Vampire Hunter D! Fear me, miserable ignorant peasants-- ...no, that's all wrong, that's not D at all. I shouldn't want them to 'fear' me… 'respect', maybe… let's see… no, that doesn't have the right ring to it either…let's see…hmm…"

Lefty's confidence in his new 'identity' grew with each passing moment. By the time he reached the town, he could barely contain his excitement.

There was music coming from the town's only saloon. With great care, Lefty dismounted and tied his horse to the hitching post out front. Moments later, his faint shadow fell across the tavern's double doors.

Inside the saloon, a handful of citizens of the frontier town of Morsburg were taking a break from the heat of the day by washing down their midday meal with a few draughts of cold beer. Suddenly those who were facing the door choked and nearly dropped their mugs. Those who were facing away from the door suddenly felt the backs of their necks prickle, and spun around, half in shock, half in curiosity.

Standing in the doorway, taking off his hat, was a tall, broad-shouldered figure in black. He had tall black boots, a sweeping black cloak, and long dark hair framing a pale, smooth face. The power of his presence was downright uncanny.

Lefty swept his gaze around the room. His eyes flashed, and he gave the people a broad, dazzling smile. "_A-hem!_" he cleared his throat most artificially, making no effort to suppress his gleaming grin. And he introduced himself with a well-rehearsed command.

_"Worship me, mortals!"_

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A/N: lol- FORGIVE ME, D! (and forgive me, readers, for not replying to reviews lately- I love each and every one of you for reviewing! I will catch up with replying soon, I promise!) 


	4. the Mayor's lovely wife

Chapter 4: the Mayor's lovely wife

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…At first, all was silent. And then one wide-eyed man with a red bandana tied round his neck rose shakily to his feet. "_You_," he whispered, staring at Lefty. "You're… you're that vampire hunter!" 

"Yes," Lefty declared proudly.

Another man stood abruptly, knocking over his beer. "You came through here yesterday!"

"Yes, that was me!" Lefty said.

One of the barmaids raised a trembling finger in his direction. Lefty's smile instantly dissolved as he recalled the general meaning of that particular finger.

"You asshole!" the barmaid shrieked. "It was you what doomed our Mayor!"

Lefty blinked several times. "uh…"

"You've got a lot of nerve showin' yer ugly bloodsucking mug round this town, half-breed," the man with the red bandana said. "The Mayor was a good man!" There was a chorus of growly-sounding 'yeahs!' from the crowd.

"Hey, now," Lefty said, taking half a step backwards. "I didn't--"

Another man spoke up in a low, vaguely threatening voice. "In the middle of the night the Mayor woke up raving mad-- screaming that he'd been turned into a vampire. Honest as the day is long, that Mayor was, so in the end we'd no choice but to believe 'im. Staked him through the heart just afore sunrise."

"You _what?"_ Lefty demanded, outraged.

"The Mayor's house has the most sophisticated vampire protection on the market," the angry citizen said, his voice choked with bitterness. "No vampire on this earth could get past those systems…" the man looked up at Lefty, hateful accusation smoldering in his eyes.

"Oh, but _I_ could, right?" Lefty said, his tone caustic and impatient. "I could, because I'm a damned half-breed. So you're blaming me for what happened to him. Of course."

"His lovely wife, bless her heart, she told me everything!" A middle-aged woman stood, twisting her apron in her hands. Tears ran down her cheeks. "Told me how, yesterday evenin', a vampire hunter come by—and how afterwards, her husband started actin' mighty peculiar, sayin' all sorts of nasty things to her, laughing to himself, carrying on in a frightful manner—can you imagine it! And then for him to wake up in that depraved condition, and have to be put down like a diseased dog--"

Lefty heaved a sigh. "Well. It's really a shame and all, but it wasn't my fault! The vampire figured out a way to switch bodies with him, that's what really happened!"

"Feh!" red-bandana man spat on the floor at Lefty's feet. "You expect us to believe that? Get him!"

Lefty stood there stunned as the people in the saloon surged towards him, yelling all sorts of threats and curses. "To the jail!" someone hollered. "Drag him to jail! We'll have the sheriff string him up proper!"

They pushed him out the door and across the street to the sheriff's office, and in moments he was behind bars.

The sheriff, a burly, brown-skinned old man, tucked his thumbs into his belt loops and peered at the prisoner through a cloud of cigar smoke as he listened to the exclamations and convictions of the townspeople. "…Well…" he said at last in a grandfatherly voice. "This sure is a pickle. See, I've heard of this hunter. I know what he is. But I ain't about to hang a man fer sumthin' he didn't he do-- nor half a man, neither."

"You're saying you think he's innocent?" someone demanded.

"I'm saying I don't know," the sheriff said. "Now I want you folks to clear out and go on home. You done yer duty as citizens and turned him over to the law. I'll figure out what to do from here."

Grumbling, the people retreated back across the street, most of them going right back into the saloon.

Lefty smiled gratefully at the sheriff through the bars of the cell.

"Thanks, man," he said. "For a minute there I thought I'd have to make a run for it."

The sheriff sighed, and spoke without removing the cigar from his mouth. "It might've been better if you had," he said regretfully. "The Mayor was a friend a' mine. If it turns out you're guilty, you'll swing sure enough. And if that don't kill a feller like you, a stake surely will."

"So… just how do you plan to determine whether or not I'm guilty?"

"...Well… that's the pickle, ain't it? I s'pose I'll leave the decision up to the Mayor's widow."

"What!" Lefty gasped, indignant. "You think I'll get a fair trial from a grieving and most likely irrational woman? Are you nuts?"

"She's a good woman, Mr. Hunter. She won't condemn you 'less she's damned sure yer guilty."

* * *

A few hours later the Mayor's widow appeared, dressed in a black gown and shawl. Lefty looked up and met her gaze. Her eyes were the softest translucent blue, but their beauty was marred by the gleaming, reddish evidence of many tears recently shed. Even as she approached the cell, she raised a lacy white handkerchief to her face. Framed by the low-cut neck of the gown and the drape of the shawl, the lovely swell of her breasts jumped a bit due to her fluttery breathing. 

"Oh come _on_," Lefty groaned loudly to the sheriff, who was escorting the woman towards him. "Do we have to do this right _now_? Can't you give her a day or two at least? Obviously she's in no condition to make a decision!"

"I'm fine," the woman said in a gentle voice. "Mr. Sheriff… please unlock the cell."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, ma'am."

"Bill, please."

Reluctantly the sheriff unlocked the cell, and the widow slipped inside. The door locked automatically as she pulled it shut. "Bill," she said quietly, her lips barely moving. "I would like to speak with him alone."

"Yes ma'am," the burly old sheriff said, tipping his hat. And just like that, Lefty and the lovely widow were alone.

He was sitting on the wide wooden bench that doubled as a cot. She drew closer to him, her skirts rustling softly with each graceful step. Silently she sat beside him on the bench, and removed her shawl. Her hair was golden blonde, long and wavy and free of ornaments.

"I'm Elsa," she said softly.

"Uhh…" Lefty said, unaware that his mouth was hanging open. Elsa averted her gaze from the hunter's face and looked sorrowfully at her hands in her lap.

"And you are the famous hunter known as 'D'," she said, her voice almost a whisper. "You're the last man my husband spoke with, before he… changed."

"Look, lady, I'll tell you the truth. I never met your husband. The man I met was a vampire pretending to be your husband."

She drew a sharp breath, which riveted Lefty's gaze to what was visible of her round, delicious-looking breasts. "I knew it," Elsa breathed. "I knew it wasn't really him! For weeks, he'd been… so cold towards me." Lefty wasn't really listening to her. He couldn't remember the last time he'd looked at a real live woman from such a _rewarding_ angle. All he could do was stare… stare at her soft, warm bosom as it curved teasingly away from his sight, under the bodice of her black gown. God, black was a sexy color. She was probably 26 or 27-- she was so delicate, so _temporary_- like a butterfly or a blossom or a single snowflake- perfect for its moment, for its tiny span of existence, god, she was breathing a lot- up and down, oh, god, it was a beautiful sight! She finished her tearful monologue and took a deep, gasping, fluttery breath, and Lefty nearly passed out. "Are you all right?" she asked breathlessly.

"Guh, uhh, yup," Lefty said sheepishly, collecting his wits. "Just a little dizzy. You were saying?"

"Yes. My husband… for weeks before this… he wasn't quite himself."

"I see," Lefty said solemnly. -_Your boobs! _he added silently, and only just barely managed not to burst into laughter.

"When he woke up last night and told me he'd been turned into a vampire, he said… he kept saying over and over—'Elsa, it's me. It's me, Elsa, I love you!' but he insisted he'd been turned into a vampire--" she choked on her words and fell silent, tears trickling down her cheeks. She brought the handkerchief to her face again.

"Elsa, I'm so sorry," Lefty said gravely. "It seems your husband was a good man. It's a shame that this happened."

"Yes," she whispered through her tears. "But you are also a good man. And the way the people of this town wanted to blame you for what happened makes it even more of a shame. That's why… I came to apologize to you. If I had not kept my husband's strange behavior a secret over these past few weeks… perhaps none of this would have come to pass. I am so sorry for what you've been through. The people… I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive them."

Lefty's eyes widened. Something like a warm breeze filled the sails of his soul, and he wanted nothing more than to hug the woman beside him. So, he did.

Almost before she realized that he'd so much as moved, she found herself nestled against his chest, his arms holding her in, wrapped around her with no more pressure than the reassuring weight of a favorite coat.

Lefty opened his mouth to speak, to tell her to forget about it, to tell her that being despised and thrown in jail wasn't so bad, and all offenses were already, automatically, forgiven-- but suddenly he realized that he didn't _want_ to say anything. Maybe it was true that there were no words for the very best of emotions. After a few minutes of sitting there like that, when the woman had made not the slightest effort to move or escape, it was obvious that she had no desire to be anywhere else in the world except in his arms. And gradually, Lefty's cynicism came back to him.

"Oh, sure," he muttered at length, absently smoothing Elsa's beautiful hair. "They all end up _here_ but never get any further! He didn't say anything specifically about _widows_, but…"

"What was that?" Elsa asked softly, raising her head a little.

"It's nothing," Lefty said, and then cleared his throat. "_Ahum_." Gracefully he stood up, bringing her to her feet beside him and then gently separating her from his embrace. "You know, your husband… I'm sure he loved you."

"I know that he did," Elsa said softly.

"And he'd want you to go on and live your life happily."

"Yes," Elsa whispered, and suddenly the most gorgeous blush appeared on her fair face. "Mr. Hunter," she said, interlocking her fingers and staring down at them demurely. "I must confess… something about you… is a great comfort to my spirit. If you aren't in a hurry… I would be honored if you would stay as my guest for a few days…"

Lefty's shoulders slumped forward. "Oh my god," he said without thinking. "Could it really be that easy?"

"What?" Elsa asked, looking puzzled.

"Uh, oh, nothing. Um— it is _I_ who would be honored to accept your hospitality, milady." He flashed a charming, heartfelt smile and couldn't help noticing that Elsa's pupils instantly dilated to twice their previous diameter in reaction.

Oh yes, it really could be that easy…

* * *

A/N: Hey, I never said this would be a good story. Still, this chapter amused me. The _next_ chapter is so pathetic it's hilarious. (uh… in my opinion, at least.) The REALLY funny chapter, the one I actually wrote first, is chapter 6. Can you hang on that long? Thanks! 


	5. Hearts lost in sorrow

Chapter 5: Hearts lost in sorrow

Naturally, Elsa invited 'D' to dinner, and after the elegant meal, a skeptical but extremely polite servant showed him to the guest room, which was, in a word, luxurious. Lefty looked around, his eyes gleaming in delight. "D! Oh man, you aren't going to believe this!"

The wrinkled face formed in his palm and scowled at him. "We'll see about that," D muttered. Lefty grinned down at him.

"Check out this room! And dinner was _amazing_. I could hardly eat three bites of the food, whatever it was, but Elsa was practically drooling over me the whole time! She's completely under your spell—God, remind me to thank your old dad for that someday-- And get this—she said she'll see to my every need _personally_. Personally! She sounded all eager about it, too. And you know what that means, Heheheheh!"

D frowned worriedly. "Listen to me. You don't know what you're doing. And that poor woman isn't thinking clearly right now."

"No kidding! Her husband died just this morning! She's in dire need of some distraction, something to take her mind off her pain. And what do you know, here I am, and of course it was lust at first sight as it usually is with you--"

"And you've no qualms about taking advantage of that?" D interrupted, quiet disapproval smoldering in his voice.

"Jeez! Will you chill out? I won't be taking any more advantage than she wants me to and you know it! If these beefy arms of yours can hold her together in her time of sadness, where's the harm in that?"

"And when you leave in the morning?"

"Who's leaving?"

D made a soft growling noise, which made Lefty chuckle. "Calm down, I was kidding," he assured the grumpy-looking face in his palm. "Tomorrow we'll ride for the Capitol and I'll make sure she knows that. But really, is breaking her heart that way any crueler than breaking her heart by ignoring her plea for comfort?"

"Besides breaking her heart, there are other risks that--"

"Risks?" Lefty said nervously. "Oh, damn- you're right, I hadn't thought about _that_. But actually that's something I've been wondering about. Considering how irresistibly seductive vampires can be, how come there aren't more dhampirs running around? I mean, sure, there used to be a few more than there are now, but never as many as you'd expect. We both know that most vampires don't show as much _restraint_ in their interactions with humans as you do, so why aren't there more babies?"

D grimaced. "_Because-_-" he started to explain, but suddenly Lefty clenched his fist, muffling D's voice.

"Oh, sorry D! I think she's out in the hall!" Lefty whispered excitedly.

Sure enough, a moment later, there was a quiet knock on the door. "D?" Called the woman's voice. "May I come in?"

"Of course," Lefty said, as solemnly as possible. The handle turned, and into the room stepped a vision of loveliness clad in a skimpy, silky, sky-blue negligee. She looked up at Lefty with shimmery, desperate eyes. "Holy cow!" Lefty exclaimed, his jaw dropping almost comically. "Is _that_ honestly what women wear to bed these days? No wonder the world's messed up: everybody's sleep-deprived!"

Elsa's eyebrows flinched uncertainly.

"Uh… what I meant to say," Lefty recovered immediately, "was that you are absolutely beautiful… Elsa." He let his voice linger breathlessly on the syllables of her name.

"My heart is lost in sorrow," Elsa whispered, her eyes locked on his. She took a step closer, and brought up her hand to rest her fingers ever-so-lightly above his heart. "Is it not the same with yours?"

"You bet," Lefty said, wrapping his hand gracefully around hers. "Loneliness, angst, suffering, it's all right here, at your service, ma'am."

She gasped for air with one of those enthralling, fluttery breaths.

"Do you think…" she whispered, stepping in even closer "that our two hearts… might find solace… together?"

"Uh…" Lefty blinked a few times, and then brought his other hand up to her face, tenderly cupping her cheek. "Well, I guess there's only one way to find out. I'm game if you are, honey."

The intensity of her expression left no doubt that she was, indeed, 'game'. She melted into his arms as he bent his head forward to kiss her.

Unfortunately, he skipped her anxious lips and went right straight for her throat.

She made a tiny sound of surprised delight as a shiver of anticipation rippled through her.

"Oh crap!" Lefty said in the next instant, reeling backwards in panic.

Slowly Elsa raised her hand to her neck. Thankfully, there was no mark, no wound.

"God, I'm sorry," Lefty panted. "You gotta believe me. That was an accident."

"It's all right," Elsa murmured, moving towards him again.

"Hey hey hey, hold it," Lefty said, staggering back a few steps. "Not so fast, ok? Give me a second. I just-- Uhg!" he hunched his shoulders and hid his face in his hands as red-hot, excruciating _thirst_ suddenly shot through his veins.

"What's wrong?" Elsa purred, continuing her advance.

Lefty scrambled away from her as if she were a poisonous snake. "Stay back! Jeez, Elsa, I'm serious!"

"Tell me what's the matter," Elsa insisted. His hands were still covering his face.

"Uhhg! Damn it! I'm just—oh god, it _hurts_!" he took a final step backwards and met the wall. He was out of room to retreat, and Elsa was still closing in. "I said _stay back_!" Lefty shouted at her.

"But why?" She asked, dazed by his harsh tone.

"Because I want to rip your throat out, alright? Don't you get it? Augh, I feel it! It's killing me! I want to drink… drink your…" he was having a little trouble forming words around the aching, elongated fangs in his mouth, but Elsa understood exactly what he was saying.

"Then go ahead," Elsa whispered. "I'm not afraid. Take what you want. What you need."

"Ugh! I… _won't_…I… can't!" Lefty was trembling now. Suddenly he held up his left hand towards Elsa, palm out. "Help," he gasped, his eyes clenched shut.

Elsa simply could not believe what she saw next. A face, a horrid, wrinkled little face, grew out of the flesh of the vampire hunter's palm! It blinked its empty black eyes at her. "And just what do you expect me to do?" D asked crossly.

"Tell her to leave me alone!" Lefty begged. "If I have to put up with this agony for one more minute I swear I'll sink every tooth I've got into her neck—aargh!"

D sighed. "It can't be that bad, if you can still speak."

Elsa was beginning to look significantly distressed. The handsome vampire hunter she had been about to hop into bed with was currently slumped against the wall in pain, and a goblin-like face in his hand was talking, actually talking-- !

"D?" she asked tremulously. "What is that… that horrible thing in your hand?"

"A parasite," Lefty groaned.

Elsa didn't say anything, but her expression betrayed her thoughts. _A parasite? Disgusting!_

"That's right," D said softly, narrowing his gaze at Elsa. "I'm a parasite. And I just might be looking for a new host. Interested? If you share yourself with _him_, you know… you'll be granting _me_ access as well."

A look of pure revulsion appeared on her face, and without another word, she fled from the room.

A few moments passed and Lefty gradually regained his composure. "Man… that was a close call," he panted at last. "I don't even know how it happened. One second I was just going to kiss her, and then all of a sudden I realized… her blood would've been so delicious! I could've killed her! Is it like that for you every time? Every time you let one get close like that?"

"Usually," D replied.

"Wow. I always tease you about being more interested in biting women than bedding them, but… I didn't realize it was like _that_. So that's what you were trying to warn me about, huh? Sheesh. I'm sorry I didn't listen." He smiled weakly. "Thanks for scaring her off, though. Lucky for us that being infected with a parasite is so gross, huh?"

For a moment D didn't say anything. "…it can be tolerable at times," he commented at last.

"Yeah…" Lefty said, but he didn't sound convinced. "Well… I guess we better hit the road. I feel like total scum right now. I wanted to help _myself_ more than I wanted to help her… and I totally messed everything up."

"She'll be fine," D assured him. "The people of this town will support her and help her recover."

"I still feel like a loser about it though. I at least want to apologize to her, before we head out."

He made his way down the hall to the master bedroom, and knocked softly on the door.

"Elsa?"

There was no reply. Lefty hesitated for a second, and then opened the door.

"Go away!" Elsa cried. She was already under the covers in the huge, canopied bed. She sat up, clutching the blankets to her chest like a little girl.

"I just came to say I'm sorry," Lefty said, peeking his head around the door.

"You tried to bite me!" Elsa accused.

"Uhh… yes. That's what I'm apologizing for."

"I almost… I almost _let_ you bite me!" Elsa said, her tone revealing that she was more than a little freaked out.

"Well, uh, that wasn't really your fault."

"Oh, please get out! Just leave me alone!" Elsa sobbed.

Crestfallen, Lefty withdrew, closing the door so gently that it didn't make a sound. Like a ghost, he drifted silently through the Mayor's mansion, and out to the stables. Spike gave him a questioning look as he cinched up his saddle.

"We're heading for the Capitol," Lefty muttered to the cyborg animal. "Being D isn't as fun as I'd thought it'd be. I'm kinda sick of it."

Spike nickered consolingly.

Up in her room, Elsa heard the drumming of flying hooves and made it to her window just in time to see the blur of a black cape disappear down the road into the twilight.


	6. crickets & Christmas cookies

A/N: oh boy, here we go… this chapter has been sitting around in my notebook for months. The rest of the story was written around it. I was sort of hoping that I'd regain enough of my sanity to prevent me from posting this…

* * *

Chapter 6: crickets & Christmas cookies

* * *

Lefty rode for several hours that night before finally deciding to stop and get some sleep. 

The nearly-full moon shone bright and blue in the clear, cool air. The stars twinkled as crickets chirped quietly in the summer grass. And, not too far from the road, the tall, graceful body of a dhampir lay on a particularly plush patch of moss, seemingly at peace with the beautiful night.

But all of a sudden the dhampir sighed loudly, opening his long-lashed eyes.

"Deeeeee?" Lefty called out softly, his voice almost comically plaintive. "You awake?"

"I am now," D muttered, his wrinkled face forming in the dhampir's palm. "What is it?"

"Can't sleep," Lefty said.

"Of course you can," D said patiently. "Just close your eyes."

"I've _tried_ that," Lefty whined. "I just can't get my brain to turn off! It's so much easier when all you have to do is sink back into another dimension."

"Yes, it is," D agreed.

"Willing yourself into unconsciousness from this state is damned near impossible!" Lefty complained. "Your stupid body is tired but it just won't go to sleep! I want to sleep, I really do, but I just can't figure out how!"

"I don't know what to tell you," D said after a minute. "Sometimes… I think about being buried in warm sand, on a beach…"

"By pirates?" Lefty asked excitedly.

Crickets.

"…No," D replied flatly. Lefty sighed again.

"Warm sand, eh? Guess that could be kinda comforting. Until the sun bakes you like a potato, that is."

"That doesn't happen," D explained.

"Oh yeah?" Lefty sounded ready for an argument. "Why not? You under a beach umbrella? Or some palm trees, maybe?"

"…do you want to hear this or not?"

"Sorry. Go on."

"I think about the sound of the ocean. Sometimes there's a seagull or two. Do you remember those sounds?"

"Yeah, I remember those sounds."

"Well… that's what I think about when I have trouble sleeping," D concluded. "Maybe it will work for you."

"Guess I'll give it a try," Lefty muttered reluctantly. The face in his palm disappeared, the consciousness there instantly retreating into sleep in the tranquility of another dimension. "Lucky little bastard," Lefty grumbled, jealous that D was now enjoying the gift that Lefty had always taken for granted. He closed his eyes again and set his mind adrift in the suggested direction.

Crickets. _The Ocean… it's been a long time since I've seen an ocean_. Crickets. _Longer still since I've been _in_ an ocean…_ all that salt, all that life, teeming in the water—the water _sang_ with tiny exotic creatures, calling to each other in a thousand voices, a thousand songs, lifeforms unknown and unseen and innumerable thriving and living and singing in that beautiful, treacherous, exuberant water… it sounded kind of like… crickets. Crickets. _No! Oceans!_ Not in the water, but on the shore. There! Waves rushing, rolling, crashing, rushing. _Vroosh, swoosh_. Ah, much less exciting than all the noises _in _the water. _Vroosh, swoosh_… Peaceful little waves brushing the sand, back and forth, marking the minutes, the tides, the days, the turn of the planet and the turn of the centuries… constant… never ceasing… waves… and seagulls, yes of course- lovely white seagulls calling 'kee-rai! kee-rai!' and 'chir chir chir-up' just like crickets. Chir chir up. Chir-chir chir up. Crickets again.

"Damn crickets!" Lefty shouted, totally ruining the moonlit scene. Once again he was wide awake. "Deeee!" he whined.

"Ugh, what?" D asked groggily.

"The beach thing didn't work," Lefty grumbled.

"Too bad," D said, sounding slightly annoyed. "Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."

"Come on!" Lefty said. "You've owned this body for a trillion years and you expect me to believe you don't know how to put it to sleep? Bullshit! You're keeping me awake on purpose, aren't you? Tell me how to fall asleep!"

"I am not keeping you awake on purpose," D said, carefully keeping his voice calm, even though his teeth were clenched. "I simply do not know how to explain to you _how_ to fall asleep. Sometimes, I can't sleep either, even though I've been going to sleep and waking up and going to sleep again in that body for 'a trillion years', as you put it."

"There's got to be a way to induce it physically. I know! I'll hit myself over the head!"

"Please don't," D said, aghast.

"Hmm… maybe I'll just hold my breath until I pass out."

"Also not a good idea," D informed him. "You'll just wake up again."

Lefty scowled at the unsympathetic, unhelpful face in his palm. "You know, if I was you right now, I'd put me to sleep the way I put humans to sleep."

"Trust me, if I knew how to do that, I'd have done it already," D replied wearily, and found himself being raised towards Lefty's face.

"Give it a try," Lefty said, pressing his palm lightly to his forehead. "Just… send some of those numbing, disruptive vibes straight through my brain and send me under. They're the lazy-looking white ones next to the sofa."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," D told him tensely. Lefty picked him up and studied his grumpy expression.

"I guess I can't explain how to do _that _any better than you can explain how to fall asleep, huh? I just keep wishing I could lean back into another dimension, but it's just not there!"

"I know you're frustrated, but you'll never get to sleep unless you calm down," D reasoned. "And I just remembered something from a long time ago, something that might help you. Remember that close call with that cult of child-sacrificing vampires?"

"Great, you _had_ to bring that up. Now I'll have nightmares, if I ever do get to sleep. Those freaks nearly drove you out of your mind!"

"Just listen. Remember what carried me out of it?"

"uh, your horse?"

"More specifically, my horse's heartbeat," D clarified. "Nothing's more soothing than that sound. Maybe it'll be enough to put you to sleep."

Spike was standing in sleep mode nearby. The horse's heart was cybernetically enhanced, of course, and its beating was much quieter than that of a fully organic heart, but Lefty had no problem hearing it. It was a steady, comforting sound, much better than the noise of the crickets...

Lefty focused on that sound, and sure enough, his exhausted consciousness slipped into sleep.

* * *

D woke up to discover the harsh light of midmorning slanting across his face. Annoyed, he tried to bring up his arm to block the light, but found that he couldn't, and annoyance gave way to disappointment as he realized that the previous day had _not_, in fact, been just a bizarre dream. He was still trapped in the parasite's place. Fidgeting, he managed to turn himself so that he was face-down on the ground, but he could still feel the sunlight beating down on him. It was late. They should get going. "Hey," D called out. "Wake up." 

Lefty was none-too-happy to be roused from his sleep. He refused to listen to D's recommendation that he make and consume some coffee, and ended up putting the saddle on the horse backwards as a result. D was _about_ to make a sarcastic comment, when Lefty realized his mistake, gave D a wearied, almost _injured_ sort of glare, and wordlessly pulled the saddle off to turn it around.

Soon they were on the road. D was quiet for a long while. He hadn't actually said anything about the saddle, but he'd wanted to. And… sarcasm? That wasn't like him. It wasn't fair: Lefty had figured out all sorts of things --like walking, riding a horse, quelling the bloodlust, and even falling asleep-- with plenty of complaining but relatively little difficulty. But the only thing D had figured out was how to be obnoxious. Most of the parasite's _useful_ abilities were still a mystery to him. What if Lefty managed to get killed? D had no idea if he'd be able to bring his body back to life, as the parasite had done on numerous occasions. They were still a long way from the Capitol.

As D worried and wondered and pondered over how he could learn to be useful, he realized that he hadn't even figured out what the strange smell was that had been bothering him yesterday. Sure enough, it was still all around him, faint and light and distant, but definitely there… or was he imagining it?

At last D broke down and asked.

"…do you smell that?"

Lefty took a couple of deep breaths. "Sheesh! I can't smell hardly anything at all!" he complained loudly. "So much for the extra-sharp senses of dhampirs. Even some animals have a keener sense of smell than you do."

"I've never smelled anything like this," D said. "I can't figure out where it's coming from and it won't go away."

"Well, let me see. Most of the flavors of the air are missing right now, meaning I just can't detect them with your pitiable dhampir senses. Is it anything like, say, a nice white zinfandel?"

D frowned at the archaic word. "A white… wine? The air tastes like that to you?"

"Only certain currents, in certain temperatures and seasons. With this sunshine and cool breeze, it might be white zin today."

D considered that for a minute. "…no," he decided quietly. "That's not it. It's… a more _earthy_ smell. But it's not the soil, I recognize that separately."

"Aha!" Lefty said brightly. "The leather! You aren't used to smelling leather so closely. Bet you never realized that your tack's all made out of Elk hide, did you?"

"It's not the leather. This is something different."

"Different in a good way?" Lefty asked.

"It's very faint, but… yes, I think so."

"Ooh," Lefty grinned. "Well, why don't you try and describe it?"

D thought about it carefully before answering. "It's a _warm_ kind of smell," he said at last. "Stuck between summer and autumn. It smells like… a wood where all the leaves have turned but not yet fallen, and like a sun-baked stone on a heathery hillside."

"A granite stone, actually," Lefty added.

"Yes," D realized, mildly surprised. "So you know what it is?"

"Heh, you bet. But go on, tell me the rest of it."

D considered carefully for another moment. It was strange, and it was so faint it was almost more like the _memory_ of a smell… but it was _there_, somewhere.

"…it smells like cinnamon," D decided.

Lefty laughed so hard he had to wipe tears from his eyes. "What?" D asked flatly. "What's so funny?"

"D, I swear I was never going to tell you about that in a million years!"

"Tell me about what? Did you steal some cinnamon at some point and spill it all over some other dimension?"

"Maybe. But that's not what's causing the smell you're talking about. I can't believe you haven't figured it out yet! All that stuff about autumn and summer and all? D, that's _you_. That's what you smell like."

"No I don't," D said, automatically frowning. "I haven't even seen a speck of cinnamon in centuries."

"But the scent's unmistakable!" Lefty insisted. "Cinnamon! Like- like- Christmas cookies!" He burst into laughter again, while D only sighed. "Seriously though—I would _love_ to know exactly where that comes from. It's been driving me crazy for ever! I'll bet you anything that your mom's ancestors traded cinnamon out of asia –you know, in the first middle ages. It only takes a few generations for something like that to wind up in the blood, like salt in a sailor's veins, or dirt in a farmer's."

"I guess it's possible," D admitted grudgingly. "I don't know anything about my mother's ancestors."

"Well—from your scant memories, and the, _ahem_, very few differences between _your _appearance and your father's… I'd say your mom might've been Eurasian." Lefty paused to see if D would offer any comment on that.

"…" D said noncommittally.

"Right. So let's go with the cinnamon-trader theory!" Lefty proposed. "Adds some spice to the mystery, gahhahahaaa!"

D decided it was an opportune time to sink back into another dimension.


	7. They have a word for that

Chapter 7: They have a word for that

* * *

Several hours passed uneventfully. D had been searching through the vastness of the other dimensions, but felt no closer to understanding exactly how the parasite's powers worked. At last he made his way back to the surface of the real world. Lefty adjusted the position of the rein in his left hand so it wouldn't cut across D's face. 

"Why'd you do that?" D asked.

"Do what?"

"Move the rein."

"Jeez! I was just showing you a little consideration," Lefty said defensively.

"More than I do for you," D grumbled.

"Maybe I'm setting an example," Lefty said with a grin. D only frowned. "What is your _problem,_ anyway?" Lefty asked, sounding miffed.

"The problem is that I'm not supposed to be Here, and you're not supposed to be There. We're vulnerable like this. If we get into trouble, I don't think I'll be able help you the way you usually help me."

"Will you chill out? Can't you just sit back and enjoy the scenery? It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, D! There aren't even any monstrous mutant rhino-beasts out and about, never mind any vampires or creatures worth swinging your sword at."

Suddenly a vampire materialized right in front of them.

"…Uh, except for that one," Lefty amended sheepishly, whoa-ing the horse.

"what!" D hissed.

"Hello, Hunter D," said the vampire in a dead-sexy female voice.

Lefty took a minute to stare at the vampire, which had a dead-sexy female body to match its voice. She was wearing a white lab coat which matched her white skin, and had her black hair pulled back into a neat bun. And she was carrying a clipboard and something that looked suspiciously similar to a slide-rule.

"Uh, hi," Lefty said at last. "Oh, I get it. You're like an astral projection or something, right? There's no way you could really be standing there, in sunlight like this."

"My organization has been researching the sunlight issue for five thousand years, but you are correct. It is a projection of my spirit which stands before you."

"Okay…" Lefty said cautiously. "So… what do you want?"

"I'm the president of the Vampiric Association of Maniacal, Psychotic Scientists. Hunter D, you and the entity in your left hand were recently involved in an unauthorized operation under my jurisdiction. I'm here to recover you to my laboratory."

"What!" Lefty exploded. "Are you serious?"

"Yes." She waved the slide-rule and a gaping, swirling, ominously purplish portal opened in the air beside her. "Step through here, and you'll be teleported to our facility."

"Just a minute," Lefty said, suspicion edging his voice. "This seems a little too convenient." He glanced down at D. "What do you think? Should we trust her?"

"She's a vampire," D said.

"She's a crazy mad scientist vampire," Lefty clarified.

"Actually we prefer to be called maniacal psychotic scientist vampires," the vampire's spirit re-clarified.

"I have a bad feeling about this," D admitted softly.

"Me too," Lefty said, and then smiled apologetically at the female vampire. "Uh, sorry lady, but we'd rather just head over to the Capitol and try to figure this mess out on our own."

The vampire's spirit narrowed her eyes. "Perhaps you misunderstood. This is not a request. You _will_ come to the laboratory."

"Like hell!" Lefty snorted, turning the horse.

"This is your last chance to cooperate before I forcibly debilitate you," the vampire warned him coolly.

"Hah!" Lefty scoffed. "In all your years of research, did you ever learn what happens when a vampire's spirit is destroyed _before_ its body? It's an interesting process, very violent and smelly. I'll have you know that my little buddy here can eat both you _and_ your ridiculous portal faster than you can say 'forcibly debilitate'!" Proudly he held up his left hand, fingers spread.

"…_little buddy?_" D muttered incredulously, as he found himself held up at arms length, facing the vampire's spirit. Something like worry flashed in her eyes as she recognized the legendary parasite. And then…

Nothing happened.

Fortunately a mournful wind 'whoooo'ed through the area at that moment; without it there would have been a rather awkward silence between the hunter, his hand, and the president of the VAMP Scientists.

"Er, _D_, this is the part where you swallow the evil vampire's spirit and digest it in the netherspace," Lefty whispered, a rather comical drop of sweat appearing beside his face.

"I told you!" D growled through clenched teeth. "I don't know how to do that!"

The vampire's spirit raised an eyebrow, and waved her slide-rule once again. Lefty didn't even have time to scream as a flash of evilly purple light rendered him unconscious and pulled him, horse and all, into the portal.

* * *

"Guhh…" Lefty said, his lovely eyelashes fluttering. "Wh… where am I?" 

"Strapped to an operating table," D's voice informed him. "In the vampire scientist's lab."

"Tied down again, eh?" Lefty sighed. "Two days in a row now! Groan. Well, it's not so bad. And actually, this could be a good opportunity--"

"What do you mean?" D interrupted, sounding vaguely upset. "We've been immobilized. We could be killed."

"Relax! It will be okay! I'm going to show you how you ought to handle a situation like this," Lefty said, sounding almost smug.

"And how is that?" D found himself asking.

"By sweet-talking your way out of it, of course! You just need to act like you _love _being tied down like this at the mercy of that sexy scientist. Don't get all sullen or gloomy and don't lose your cool either. Stay suave. Take control of the--"

At that moment the female vampire in the white lab coat appeared, carrying a huge shining syringe. The sight of it abruptly derailed Lefty's train of thought.

"AIIIIEEEEEEEEK!" Lefty shrieked, panicking.

"Suave," D commented.

Expressionlessly, the vampire stuck the huge needle into her own arm, slowly pressed the plunger all the way down, withdrew the needle, and discarded it in a waste bin.

"Ugh!" Lefty said, calming down once the needle was out of sight. "What was that for?"

"I've no need to explain that to you," the vampire said in her dead-sexy voice. "It's just part of the process."

"What process?" Lefty asked suspiciously.

"That of undoing your displacement, of course," she answered.

"So you're really going to do that for us? You'll put D's consciousness back in his own head, and put mine back in his hand?"

"Yes," the vampire replied.

Lefty breathed a sigh of genuine relief. "Phewf! Sure am glad to hear that," he said gratefully. "It sure sucks being a vampire hunter with a worthless smart-aleck left hand that can't even hold open a connection to the void long enough to ingest a single evil spirit."

"I'm not doing you a favor, Hunter," the vampire said. "I'm merely doing my job. Now before we get started, I need your honest answer to one critical question: have you bonded with any other consciousnesses since the displacement occurred?"

"Uh… well, there was a young woman in Morsburg I would have _liked_ to have 'bonded' with, but, it didn't really work out," Lefty admitted.

"A human woman in Morsburg…" the vampire said in an eerie voice. She held her hand about a foot above Lefty's chest. Her eyes began to glow with creepy purple light, and then suddenly an image of Elsa appeared, hovering in the air. "Is this her?"

"Yes!" Lefty exclaimed. "That's her! How'd you do that?"

"Never mind," the vampire said, and the image vanished. "Now. Were there any other consciousnesses that you formed any kind of bond with? It's important that we identify them all, so they don't get in the way while we're switching you back."

"You mean there might have been a chance that _Elsa's_ consciousness could have gotten tangled up with ours?" Lefty asked, wide-eyed. Suddenly he giggled. "D, can you imagine that? Heh heh! Can you imagine waking up and finding out that your body was that of a human girl? Heh heh heh! That would be hilarious!"

"Please concentrate," the vampire said sternly. "Were there any other consciousnesses that you bonded with?"

"Hmm… Well, the sheriff was kind to me… that was really the only other person I talked to or spent any time around. There were a few people in a bar, but surely I didn't 'bond' with any of them. Can you think of anybody else, D?"

"No," D said. "The sheriff, possibly, but there weren't any others."

"The sheriff of Morsburg," the vampire said in that same eerie voice, her eyes glowing again. A moment passed but no image formed. "Apparently no bond was formed," the vampire concluded. "All right. Are you confident that we've eliminated all the consciousnesses that might be at risk for getting 'tangled up' with the two of you?"

"Yep," Lefty said. "If you're sure that Elsa's safely out of the way, then let's get this show on the road! What do I do, click my heels together and say 'there's no place like—"

The entire room suddenly filled with swirling, vaguely electrical-looking purple light…

"—_home?_'" D said, almost unconsciously finishing the sentence his mouth had been speaking. D blinked. He could feel his feet again. He flexed the fingers of his right hand. He was back in his own body!

"Excellent," the female vampire said, as the purple light faded away. "That was no problem at all."

"Thank you," D said softly.

"May I have your word that you won't try to kill me or any of my scientists on your way out?"

"Do you use humans in your experiments here?" D asked, his voice cold.

"Not lately."

"Then you have my word."

The female vampire nodded and unbuckled the restraints, allowing D to sit up. D looked down at the palm of his left hand. "Are you all right?" he asked.

The parasite's face formed and smiled at him.

"Well?" D asked, gazing at the wrinkled face.

The expression on the face clouded slightly in confusion, but then quickly resumed grinning. D closed his eyes and sighed gently.

"Something's wrong with him," D concluded.

"I wouldn't worry," the vampire said. "That thing's consciousness is far more complicated than your own, since it naturally traverses so many dimensions. It's probably just disoriented, strung out over several dimensions. In a few more minutes it should reconnect itself completely to your hand."

* * *

D found his horse waiting for him out in the laboratory stables. It had been unsaddled and made comfortable, with hay and water at its disposal. It nickered eagerly as he approached. 

D set the saddle across the horse's withers and fastened the cinch. The horse stood as patiently as ever… but something wasn't right, D could tell. He turned his hand over again. Lefty's face was still beaming at him. D scowled at it, and instantly the face's smile faltered, looking like its feelings had been hurt. D realized that something about the sheer _honesty_ in the shiny little black eyes was truly bothering him. "Snap out of it," D muttered to his hand. "If this is some game you're playing…"

"Heh heh heh!" Lefty's voice said, significantly louder than usual. D's eyes narrowed. The mouth in his palm hadn't moved.

The horse bent its neck around to look D square in the eye.

D stared at the horse, his expression blank.

"...no…" D said softly, actually taking a step backwards.

"Yes!" the horse said enthusiastically, nodding its head, its black mane swaying. "If you think about it, it makes sense: I gave it a name, talked to it, spent plenty of time in close proximity to it, and even fell asleep listening to its heartbeat! Guess I accidentally 'bonded' with its consciousness! Isn't it great?" Lefty laughed uproariously, the sound halfway between Lefty's normal laugh and the horse's whinny.

D looked down at the smiling face in his palm. Was it… _possible?_ Was it possible for his horse's consciousness to have become trapped in his hand? Speechless, D looked back up at Lefty.

"What?" Lefty asked, swishing his long, beautiful tail. "Don't you think this is awesome? You have no idea how strong this horse's body is! I could carry ten of you! And actually I think it's kind of cool, because _you've_ been carrying _me_ around for God-knows-how-long: now _I _can carry you for a bit! Well? What are you waiting for? Hop up! Let's go! I can't wait to see how fast I can run!" he scraped one hoof impatiently on the ground.

Wordlessly, D draped the reins over Lefty's neck and held up the bridle. Lefty shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Are you kidding me?" Lefty said. "You know we don't need that! Just tell me where to go, and I'll go there."

But D was already slipping the headstall over Lefty's face. "Whoa!" Lefty said, raising his chin out of D's reach. "Come on, D, give me a break! I don't need that, you can just talk to me!"

Silently, expressionlessly, D held up the bit.

"What the hell, man!" Lefty exclaimed through clenched teeth. "You're actually going to put that in my mouth?" D's eyes were completely cold, his expression unreadable. He pressed the metal bar against the horse's lips. "No _way!_ You have got to be joking. You're sick! They have a word for that, you know. There's _no way_ you're putting that thing in my mouth! I won't even be able to talk-ulk!"

Before Lefty knew what had happened, the bit was across his tongue, the bridle strapped to his face. He felt D pat his glossy shoulder once, and suddenly felt the weight of a boot in a stirrup- and in one fluid motion, one very somber-looking vampire hunter was balanced across Lefty's withers. The former parasite grit his teeth, smoldering with rage. "You bastard!" Lefty growled, only it sounded more like "ou asard!"

The only reply was a soft tap of D's heels on his sides. "ow!" Lefty said, indignant. "ou on't haf to kick meh!" Grudgingly he headed out of the stables, and turned towards the road.

"We'll head for the Capitol," D said softly. "We'll find someone there who can put you back where you belong. I think the mad scientist vampires have done enough for now."

The End.

IT'S OVER!

A/N: Lefty, I am so sorry! But this is your punishment for your comment at the end of chapter 3. (LOL...sweatdrop) True story: Recently my horse and I had a long discussion over whether or not I would be putting her bit in her mouth. Anyway… it was an interesting discussion, and during it, this chapter was born. Go ahead, tell me I've lost it. (grin)


End file.
